I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I smell stomach acid.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
