I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
