I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
