Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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