I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
