Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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