I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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