I cannot find my penis.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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