I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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