I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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