It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
