You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
