I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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