Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
