zippers are such a cool invention
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
