Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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