her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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