I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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