I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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