Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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