My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I would ride that face into the sunset
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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