Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
