My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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