Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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