It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
