Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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