She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
His nipple licking is glorious
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