Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
