Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
