i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
