You're a womanizer and a bitch.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
