i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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