Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
