Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Michael Bay diarrhea
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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