They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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