can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
