theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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