I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
