Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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