I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
