I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
