the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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