Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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