I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize