i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
