My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
