If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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