tonight lets celebrate not being married
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
