I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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