i was born a porn star she said
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
