Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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