i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
