Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
