so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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