y did u give ur computer a hand job?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
