Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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