I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
