I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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