Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
